Only Studying is Noble? Towards the Holistic Child

(see below for English translation) 唯有读书高？

近期我看到一则让我啼笑皆非的新闻。新闻内容是，中国上海的一家医院最近新开了一个门诊，专门评估和帮助有空间与数学学习困难的孩子。在询问者中，有一位2岁儿童的家长要求进行评估。结果，当然是被告知要“等到上学年纪”才去看医生。我不禁怀疑，究竟一个2岁的儿童应该具备哪些数学技能？是数1到10？识别形状？认数字？还是理解加减法？我只能说，如果2岁的小孩能做到这些，那他无疑是天赋异禀。如果还没有掌握这些技能，那才算是正常。

然而，我也觉得这种现象很可悲。在亚洲社会，尤其是华人社会，这样的情况并不罕见。我们的成语和谚语中有“望子成龙，望女成凤”，“万般皆下品，唯有读书高”。尤其是当我们的祖辈经历过战乱或饥荒时，并非每个人都有机会上学。他们经历了没有学历所带来的贫穷与困苦。因此，我们的文化逐渐过于注重学业表现，而忽视了其他方面。许多人不明白，在现今社会，高学历并不等于高成就和高收入。当孩子们的同龄人大多数都大学毕业时，大学毕业生找到工作的难度就会增加。我们时常听到国外的报道，研究生（硕士或博士）毕业生去申请低学历要求的工作。所以，能够脱颖而出获得好工作的人，往往是口才好、社交能力强的人。而能够在职场中生存并升职的人，通常也具备良好的社交技巧、情商高、能够管理和带领整个团队。

作为一名心理师，我经常遇到华人家长过度关注孩子的学业，特别是拥有非典型脑（如自闭症、注意力缺陷多动、智力障碍等）的孩子的父母。他们常常不愿面对和接受孩子的不同，尽力让孩子在学习上有所成就，认为这样就能证明孩子的能力，他们与其他孩子无异或者更优秀。但这类家长往往忽略了孩子的身心发展。他们逼迫孩子长时间学习，不允许他们休息，选择无视孩子在主流学校遭受霸凌或孤独的心理。如果孩子没有取得好成绩，往往只会迎来更多的批评和补习。

我经常遇到那些在学习上遭遇挫折就崩溃大哭的孩子，或者对上学极度排斥的孩子。许多这样的孩子，小时候或许只是流泪但仍听话地完成功课，但长大后，他们很可能会拒绝上学、拒绝工作，甚至患上心理疾病（如抑郁、焦虑，甚至自残或自杀的倾向）。我并非夸大，研究证明，自闭群体中50-70%患有心理疾病。这比例远高于一般人，而我也亲眼见过一些完成中学或大学的年轻人因无法找到工作而长期待在家中。让我感到痛心的是，我也听说过一些家长不认为照顾孩子的心理健康是他们的责任。他们认为，父母的责任在于培养孩子成才，如果孩子长大后因成长经历中的不愉快而导致心理疾病，那是孩子自己该负责去赚钱治疗自己的病。然而，他们不知道，心理疾病本身可能让人无法工作，并需要长期的治疗。在这种情况下，再高的学历也无法让他们独立生活。

即使心理健康，如果他们在成长过程中没有时间去培养社交和沟通能力，学历也无法帮助他们就业。这在澳洲的一项研究中得到了验证，自闭症群体的失业率非常高（是一般人的8倍），甚至比其他残疾群体更高。其中一个原因是即便自闭成年人有能力胜任某项工作，他们往往无法在面试中展示自己的能力并且被录取。我也曾遇到过一些自闭但智力超群（智商属于天才）的孩子的父母，他们单纯认为，只要孩子未来进入学术研究，成为大学教授，他的人生就会顺利，因为学术界不会有商业界的尔虞我诈。我只能语重心长地告诉他们，我自己在求学时以及从学术界或大学任职的朋友那里了解到，学术界的人心险恶和政治斗争并不比其他地方少。没有一份职业允许一个人独自默默工作而无需与他人进行任何形式的互动。

我并不是认为读书或学习不重要，而是认为培养孩子全面发展更为重要。不要对学术学习抱有不切实际的期望，认为只有这一条路能让孩子获得成功。同样，也不要过于强求孩子在学习上有出色表现。并非所有孩子都擅长学习和考试。如果孩子没有取得好成绩，往往并非因为他们不够努力或者他们选择“不要”考到好成绩，而是他们在能力上“不能”。家长应该做的不是惩罚孩子，而是接受孩子在学习上的困难，并给予他们适当的支持与帮助。

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Only Studying is Noble?

Recently, I came across a news story that left me both amused and bewildered. The report stated that a hospital in Shanghai, China, has recently opened a new outpatient clinic dedicated to assessing and helping children with spatial and mathematical learning difficulties. Among the inquiries, there was a parent of a 2-year-old child who requested an evaluation. Naturally, they were told to wait until the child reached school age before seeing a doctor. I can’t help but wonder, what mathematical skills should a 2-year-old child possess? Counting from 1 to 10? Recognizing shapes? Identifying numbers? Or understanding addition and subtraction? I can only say that if a 2-year-old can do any of these, they must be gifted in maths. If they have not yet mastered these skills, that is considered normal.

However, I find this phenomenon quite sad. In Asian societies, especially in Chinese communities, such situations are not uncommon.

Our idioms and sayings include “Wishing sons to become dragons and daughters to become phoenixes” and “Of all pursuits, only studying is noble.” This emphasis on education becomes even clearer when we consider that many of our ancestors lived through wars or famines, and not everyone had the opportunity to attend school. They experienced the poverty and hardship that comes from lacking an education. Therefore, our culture has increasingly focused on academic performance, often neglecting other aspects.

Many people do not understand that in today’s society, a high degree does not equate to high achievement or high income. When most of their peers have university degrees, it becomes more challenging for university graduates to find jobs. We often hear reports from abroad about graduate students (master’s or doctoral) applying for jobs that require lower educational qualifications. Thus, the individuals who stand out and secure good jobs are often those with strong communication skills and social abilities. Those who survive and advance in the workplace also typically have good social skills, high emotional intelligence, and the ability to manage and lead a team.

As a psychologist, I frequently encounter Chinese parents who place excessive emphasis on their children’s academic performance, especially parents of neurodivergent children (such as autism, ADHD, or intellectual disabilities). They often refuse to accept their child's differences, exerting all their efforts to ensure their child achieves success in academics, believing this will validate the child's abilities and prove they are no different from or even better than other children.

However, such parents often overlook their child’s overall development—physically and mentally.

They force their children to study for long hours, deny them breaks, and choose to ignore the bullying or loneliness the child experiences in mainstream schools. If their child does not achieve good grades, they often face increased criticism and more tutoring.

I frequently meet children who break down in tears at the slightest learning setback or are extremely resistant to attending school. Many of these children may have quietly completed their homework while crying when they were younger, but as they grow up, they are likely to reject school, refuse to work, or even develop mental health issues (such as depression, anxiety, or tendencies towards self-harm or suicide).

I do not exaggerate; research has shown that 50 to 70% of autistic individuals has mental health illnesses and this is significantly higher than in the general population. I have also personally seen young people who have completed high school or university unable to find work and remaining at home for extended periods. It pains me to hear that some parents do not see caring for their child's mental health as their responsibility.

They believe that a parent's duty is to nurture their child into a successful person, and if the child later suffers from mental health issues due to unpleasant experiences during their upbringing, it is the child’s responsibility to earn money to treat their own illness.

They fail to understand that mental illness can render a person unable to work and requires long-term treatment. In such cases, no amount of education can enable them to live independently.

Even if a child is mentally healthy, if they do not have time during their development to cultivate their social and communication skills, their educational qualifications will not help them find employment.

This has been validated in a study in Australia, which found that the unemployment rate among individuals with autism is very high (8 times of the general population), even higher than that of other disabled groups.

One reason for this is that even if autistic adults are capable of performing a job, they often cannot demonstrate their abilities during interviews and therefore fail to get hired. I have also encountered parents of autistic children with high intelligence (gifted-level IQ) who simply believe that as long as their child enters academic research and becomes a university lecturer, their life will be smooth sailing, because the academic world is free from the politics found in the business world.

I can only sincerely tell them that from my own educational experiences and what I've learned from friends working in academia, the academic world is not devoid of treachery and political strife—these exist as much there as they do elsewhere. No job allows a person to work in isolation without any form of interaction with others.

I do not mean to suggest that studying or learning is unimportant; rather, I believe that fostering a child’s holistic development is even more crucial.

One should not harbour unrealistic expectations of academic learning, thinking it is the only path to success for their child. Likewise, do not place undue pressure on children to excel academically. Not every child is adept at studying or taking tests. If a child fails to achieve good grades, it is often not due to a lack of effort or they “don’t want” strive for good results; rather, it may simply be that they “can’t” perform at that level.

Parents should not punish their children but rather accept their learning difficulties and provide appropriate support and assistance.

About the Author: Shiu Sum (Esther) Chan (she/her) grew up in Malaysia and is now based in Melbourne, working as a child psychologist. She is passionate about supporting neurodivergent children and primarily works with immigrant families, offering services in fluent Cantonese and Mandarin. Unfortunately, her Malay is strictly 'pasar (market)-level' at best.